Libby Says...
As often happens, the moment I give in to sadness or self-pity, I'm almost immediately reminded that the world is much worse and that my problems, while they may seem important to me, are small beans in the larger world. One friend is still grieving through a hugely painful loss she suffered this summer - and despite losing my dad and all the other challenges I've faced, I can't even begin to imagine her pain. Of course, while I want to help and be supportive, the real truth is that there's nothing I can do to make it any better. Only time can truly do that. So all I can do is be ready with a shoulder or an ear or a distraction. I wish I could do more, sweetie. And then last night, I got phone calls from three friends to let me know that another friend had passed away. Joel had been dealing with, suffering with, leukemia for almost a year, and finally, despite having some successes, a host of infections proved too much and now his wife and three children are left behind without his physical presence in their lives. I feel so sorry for them...and more bereft for myself than I have any right to feel. I met Joel my first week of college - he was dating my college roommate, Kat. Joel's roommate and I became close friends - I'm lucky enough to still count him and his wife and kids among my closest friends, but after college, Joel and I drifted apart and while I've been following his saga and sending positive thoughts, I've not actually seen him in years. And yet, last night, I wept over his loss - for his family, for my own mortality and the mistakes I've made that have kept me from living every moment to its fullest (despite knowing I should and wanting to), and for the helplessness I feel - can't help his family, can't help him, can't help my friends, and can't prevent whatever will happen in life. I sat in the car with Philip telling Joel stories - how he was the reason I first worked at RenFest and how I always wondered if it was due to his influence that Kat and I finally became friends; memories of a choir concerts that we sang in together early in college. Most of my clear memories of Joel are from that first year in college, when he and Kat were all but inseparable. When I'm done with these papers and such, I plan to go back through my pictures and journals from that time just to enjoy the happy memories. Of course, to keep the perspective balanced (as much as possible), there is a bright side of this loss and sadness. It prompted me to drop a note to a long-lost ex. We parted on very poor terms, many years ago. At the time, I blamed it all on him. Of course, through growing up and making my own mistakes, I came to realize that nothing is ever just one person's fault in a relationship. I forgave him and myself as part of my healing from my divorce, but thought it smacked of something icky to send a note saying that, especially because I thought it might hurt his wife's feelings, so I didn't. But we recently found each other those ubiquitous social networking sites, and "friended." And it seemed right to tell him about this loss - I thought he might not know, but he was definitely part of that group in college, and so I sent a note. It felt nice to know that even if that scar wasn't completely gone that we could talk and say gentle, kind things to one another again. Perspective. It reminds you that things could always be worse and that it's only what you do and how you live and the choices you make that can make things any better. So, here's to friends and forgiveness and living your life each day to avoid regrets and hurting yourself or others. Permanent Link to this entry: Permanent Link
It's been quiet here since June. Guess I've been busy and a little blue (which I probably haven't wanted to admit). Let's see... I got a yoga teacher certification, trained for and competed in my first triathlon, trained for and ran my third half marathon, helped a friend through a crisis (I hope), am almost done with my final semester in graduate school after taking two classes this semester, taught three preps at school, and tried like hell to figure out what I'm doing right and wrong with my life. I read a fair amount (although I've been doing a lot of compulsive re-reading), study, and work. I did some great cooking this summer, with my new basil and mint plants, but I've not done much cooking since school started in August. I've been to visit my mom and my grandmother, although both too briefly. I haven't had time or money to do much other travel I've wondered what the right next career move would be for me and how to make my personal life make me happy and not make others too miserable. I've been sad to miss the Lotus world with all its current excitement and rejuvenation. I've started lots of great posts about articles I've read, movies I've seen, books I've read, thoughts I've had, but I stop before I finish and publish. Perhaps as I come to the end of what has been an incredibly challenging semester I'll find ways to figure out how to get what I want and need, and that clarity will bring more comfort with and inspiration for writing. Still, thanks for the handful of folks who've asked why the blog has been dark and checked to make sure I was still doing okay. Thanks also to the friends I don't see regularly, who drop an email or a hi! on Facebook - it means a lot. For my local friends, who I actually get to see more regularly, well, I wish it were more regularly, and thanks for all the support, fun, and friendship. Look for more from me, soon, I hope. Have a happy, healthy Thanksgiving holiday this week, if you're in the US. Permanent Link to this entry: Permanent Link |
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