| Blog Entry - Sunday, November 18th, 2007 | Add / Read (3) |
As often happens, the moment I give in to sadness or self-pity, I'm almost immediately reminded that the world is much worse and that my problems, while they may seem important to me, are small beans in the larger world. One friend is still grieving through a hugely painful loss she suffered this summer - and despite losing my dad and all the other challenges I've faced, I can't even begin to imagine her pain. Of course, while I want to help and be supportive, the real truth is that there's nothing I can do to make it any better. Only time can truly do that. So all I can do is be ready with a shoulder or an ear or a distraction. I wish I could do more, sweetie.
And then last night, I got phone calls from three friends to let me know that another friend had passed away. Joel had been dealing with, suffering with, leukemia for almost a year, and finally, despite having some successes, a host of infections proved too much and now his wife and three children are left behind without his physical presence in their lives. I feel so sorry for them...and more bereft for myself than I have any right to feel.
I met Joel my first week of college - he was dating my college roommate, Kat. Joel's roommate and I became close friends - I'm lucky enough to still count him and his wife and kids among my closest friends, but after college, Joel and I drifted apart and while I've been following his saga and sending positive thoughts, I've not actually seen him in years. And yet, last night, I wept over his loss - for his family, for my own mortality and the mistakes I've made that have kept me from living every moment to its fullest (despite knowing I should and wanting to), and for the helplessness I feel - can't help his family, can't help him, can't help my friends, and can't prevent whatever will happen in life.
I sat in the car with Philip telling Joel stories - how he was the reason I first worked at RenFest and how I always wondered if it was due to his influence that Kat and I finally became friends; memories of a choir concerts that we sang in together early in college. Most of my clear memories of Joel are from that first year in college, when he and Kat were all but inseparable. When I'm done with these papers and such, I plan to go back through my pictures and journals from that time just to enjoy the happy memories.
Of course, to keep the perspective balanced (as much as possible), there is a bright side of this loss and sadness. It prompted me to drop a note to a long-lost ex. We parted on very poor terms, many years ago. At the time, I blamed it all on him. Of course, through growing up and making my own mistakes, I came to realize that nothing is ever just one person's fault in a relationship. I forgave him and myself as part of my healing from my divorce, but thought it smacked of something icky to send a note saying that, especially because I thought it might hurt his wife's feelings, so I didn't. But we recently found each other those ubiquitous social networking sites, and "friended." And it seemed right to tell him about this loss - I thought he might not know, but he was definitely part of that group in college, and so I sent a note. It felt nice to know that even if that scar wasn't completely gone that we could talk and say gentle, kind things to one another again.
Perspective. It reminds you that things could always be worse and that it's only what you do and how you live and the choices you make that can make things any better. So, here's to friends and forgiveness and living your life each day to avoid regrets and hurting yourself or others.
Author: Libby Ingrassia
Posted at: 11:07:58 AM
